together alone

I'm lying on the moon
My dear, I'll be there soon
It's a quiet and starry place
Time's we're swallowed up in space
we're here a million miles away

There's things I wish I knew
There's no thing I'd keep from you
It's a dark and shiny place
But with you my dear i'm safe
and we're a million miles away

We’re lying on the moon
It’s a perfect afternoon
Your shadow follows me all day
Making sure that I'm okay
and we’re a million miles away

pneumonia

lucid dreaming all day.
thinking most of night.
if u get a day off, sleep few hours in the afternoon n have ur premonitions.
stopped eating for a while unless i feel the stomach eating itself.
thinking. so much thinking. its almost a torture.
work.
work work work, keep moving stay distracted untill u feel exhausted. pretend that what they say is important. give them credit, dont let them see themselves through ur eyes.

and yes i lost some weight. ppl keep reminding me to eat as its their own fucking issue. they make jokes. they think they r funny. i also laugh, so i get done with it.

i dont belong here.
i donno what im doing most of the time.
my body is here but i am somewhere else.
bec they donno whats going on underneath.
no one knows.
i am myself mostly at night, in the dark.
when silence is the best company and the closed door of my room makes it a safe place.

i wanna leave.
i wanna dissolve.
disappear n never be found.
i wanna live underwater. in a different planet. in another dimension.
transcend this wrong existence n move over it.
see whats after.
leave behind this body.
disconnect from memories. the joy  n the pain.
switch the view.
be a different kind of being.
understand.

and finally rest with no purpose. no past. no future.

A star burning from within.

A crystal full of energy with no intelligence.

Sogno numero 12188

Sono in macchina. Vedo un aereo volare basso, ha appena decollato.
Mi rendo conto che sono vicina all aereoporto, per questo.
Nel decollo l aereo assume una posizione non corretta, ed in accelerazione sembra che stia per capovolgersi.  Sbanda. Precipita.
Nessuna espolosione. Solo milioni di pezzi a terra, scaglie detriti parti dell aereo ovunque. E io immobile. Che guardo. La gente corre e grida. Ma Io resto li, come una scimmia che galleggia.

Dream number 12184

C'è un posto che sogno sempre. Un luogo nascosto nei boschi che io non ho mai visto. Nei miei sogni é ben chiaro dove si trovi, apparently  its a place i often visit at night.

In the middle of this wood there is a portal to a different dimension, that i have never noticed when i used to live there. Maybe my eyes couldn't see it yet.

im walking down that road, As i used to do when i was a kid. The smell of rotting flesh is stinging my nose, its a familiar smell and its not so unpleasant as u would imagine.

I take a shortcut between the green shadows n suddenly im in this different place. Its like a jungle. Its humid. Green leaves everywhere they seem violent and hungry, they stare at u passing on their way. All is wet and all is warm.

Its home.

But these trees know me well, i came here so many times in my sleep. They wont hurt me this time.
There has been a flood few hours before, there is water everywhere.  Lot of water. Rainy water. Petrichor. 

 Its the monsoon i love. 

Jungle green gray and blue. Muffa muschio e viscidume. I fiori sembrano fatti di carne, e sono perturbanti.
Dead monkeys are floating. 

I see. 

They r all dead and i have to be careful not to touch their bodies. I dont feel sorry for them. The scene doesnt hurt me and i am totally detached. Because i know. They dont belong here. 

They move slowly and i just stop to look at them. Minutes here never count. Il tempo non cronologico.
I have never seen monkeys that big. They r huge. They r bigger than a whale. Brown and furry, floating on their belly i have got no chance to see their eyes. They might be scary.

I move to the other side, i saw a bridge somewhere before. it shows n disappear.
I found a child. I was looking for him but i just realized it.
Blond hair with blue eyes, he is happy to see me. I hold him tight n give him back to his mother.
She doesnt seem worried. She isnt aware of whats going on in that place. She thinks she is safe in her house. Her house. Poor woman she has not noticed how that place change. Cant she see the water? All this water?

Ive never seen this woman.
Vijeesh knows her, but he would tell me only the morning after.

I woke up next to someone else.

Not my wolf.

I am not confused. Im thinking if i should go back to that place to find a door. 

The alchemist would. 

The presence of absence

When you open your hands i always find this place, where my dreams and reality collide.

I hold on to them.

Kiss, smell, lick them. 

And then picture myself in the near future, when im gonna be missing them. 

The small details, scratches and scars.
Cuts bruises, old stiches unstitched.
Glass knifes and asphalt.

Pieces of a life i couldnt see.
The childhood you hide and the secrets you keep.
The oceans, ponds, lakes and rivers.
All the smiles and all the tears.
The slaps and punches, the kisses and caresses.
The pleasure you had and the pleasure you gave.
All the sex and all the lovers.
All orgasms and all the pain.
The food you made the food you ate.
What you curse, what you pray.
The things you love the things you hate.

All the history since 89.

It's all in there. In these two hands of yours.
What u hold and what u let go.

Sometimes heavy, sometimes soft.

This touch i miss and crave everyday. 

This place i love.

This place where i do not belong.

AMNESIA

I wanna come and see you.
Find you walking in the street and run to you.
I wanna look into your eyes and then hug you. Hug you so tight that I can merge with you and be One.
I wanna reach the deep part within you and stay there.

Stay there forever.

As water mingling with water.
Becoming one identity with no borders and definitions.
As a river flowing to its sea.
I wanna be there and be you and see how the world looks like from your chest.

Not a memory no more, but a seed.
A blue bird in her safe place.

This lake has become an ocean

In between these few people i love, there is one unique. This person is different than anyone else i have ever met.  Shining bright on his own, like the full moon on a starry night.

Of these few people i love, there is this one boy, lost and lonely, he makes me weak like no one ever did. 

Its a smell i cant forget, the taste i compare to anything i eat. 
This boy u will spot walking in the street is broken in pieces. These pieces i wanna collect and fix. These pieces he refuses to give are the ones i crave.
This boy i have seen many times, is slippery like a fish. He is violent and rough.  Misunderstood, always, but he doesn't care or he doesn't know.

In between these few people i love, there is this one guy, lysergic and lethargic. He changes as the wind changes. He walks on the edge. 

Strange as angels, but he doesn't know or he doesn't care.

Of these few people i love, there is this one man, i would say he is special, but many others already said it. 

Its a lone wolf. 

He would hurt you on purpose. Multiple times. Then ask sorry and start over again, and u will follow, adjusting to the game he will always win.

If u spot him walking in the street, any day or any night, run away and never turn back. 

Because this boy I know is the one everyone wants but no one can get.

your absence does weird things to me

la non appartenenza

There is a void that will never be filled.
Its a mix of never ending curiosity, dissatisfaction, the searching of something that I don't know what it is. This flow that would never stop, this non belonging, this detachment, this gap that is getting bigger and bigger every day. This voices in my head going to different directions, they r making me confused.
These mixed feelings of wanting and non wanting. The insatiable willing to escape and run. The distance that seems never enough. The emptiness too grate to be satisfied. Too weird to be understood.
This fight will keep going. Underneath. Untill i pass to next level.
I wanna see whats there.

• I wanna see if this hunger will finally be fulfilled.
  

L'Amore Maleducato.

Sometimes i wonder.
If it would have been better.
To have never felt.
Your touch at all.

🐦

Its easier to be pretty. 
When ppl think that u are beautiful they will stop there. No questions asked. No need to know more or ask more, no need to dig. Why should they?
I hate it. U are beautiful and thats enough. How u look like. They fall in love with what they see but they never reach the core. They are not even interested.
But there is so much more. No one knows. Most of me is left unsaid, hidden inside as something useless.far far within. Something no one would understand. And its easier to let them see only what they would like to see. 

A pretty face. 

Straight legs. 

Some fancy color on my lips. 

Pretty eyes.Oh my eyes, so many ppl would remember my eyes, but no one has never seen inside of them.They will look at them but will never dare to see whats shining inside there. A pit. its a watery pit. Feels mellow. Like a drop of wet alien jungle, where its a little bit too dark and humid, sweet and sticky.
The best part of me remain unwanted, and so i keep it secret, like a seed, like a blue bird trapped in my chest. Too afraid to fly away. Never let it out unless i am alone in the darkness of a safe place.
You cant meet him, cos he is not nice. And he doesnt like you. He does t like anyone. Its not loneliness that got him wild and rude, its his own nature. He wont blend with other living things. He has no interest in other living things. Wont even survive out of my chest. Cos there is where he belongs.
And so on, years pass and i tell my self its Better have him there, locked safe. With no one knowing of his precious existence. With no one noticing if something is wrong. With everyone remembering the color of my lipstick but not the shade of blue of my precious bird.

6: everything speaks.

What would i do if i felt free to take a leap?

Loosing all hope was freedom.
Loosing all expectations from others, loosing everyone else but my own self, was freedom.
The total emptiness. The absence of fear.
When everything is gone you got nothing to loose and so you finally taste the total freedom.
Training to let go of the things you thought you could not live without.
Those shiny new things everyone is running for. Why such a hurry? What is there to run for, that u dont already have within you? You may wanna look closer, pay more attention to the true colors of what we see as real. These are the only eyes you can see through.
The truth is that we always survive, we can get lost, be lost, we can be robbed out of all possessions. We will still be who we are. Surviving. Being till the day we will not be anymore.
And also the death is something we will never experience on our self, as only who is around us will be able to see it. So whats left to be afraid of?
When you have a bad mood, when you feel sad, when things seem to go on the wrong way, ask your self whats left. whats left to worry me? what is left to think about, over and over again? Nothing.
Nothing is the true freedom.
Wake up and feel the wholeness of yourself, as part of the one. Nothing else matter, cos everything is inside, so like a starry night, like the nature you crave, the kisses you desire. Nothing is left to wait for, cos all this you already have. you got it. Feel it underneath. Deep deep under. Far Far within.
You already got it .

11:11

Burning papers into ashes
What a season, how they fly high
From the ground up
There is yet another fountain
Flowing over
As the night falls
Keep dreaming
Away
If you hold onto the past
Don't you lock yourself inside
Nothing has been done before
It's the most virgin dress you could possibly wear
Mess it up
Time is up
Hold your memory for a moment
With a blind hand
Write some stories
For tomorrow
From the bottle of amnesia
Find instructions
To salvation
To oblivion supreme
Don't be tempted to look back
It has all happened before
Someday a miraculous spread
Will forgive every cowardly thing that you've done
That I've done
(dust it off)
That we've done

SAUDADE

'I want to plant a seed in your mind, some tiny particle of thought that bears a remnant of me. So little by little, day by day, you find yourself thinking of me, until one morning, you will wake up and realize you can’t think of anything else.'

Enter the void

I gave so much to this city.
Since 2010 she saw all my ups and all my downs.
I gave her everything.
My best years, all my thoughts, my feelings, my good times, my dreams. 
All the bad and all the good. 
All my tears, all my smiles. 
All of me, the genuine me. 
Piece by piece.

So many times my mind went with the flow of this river, looking down from the bridge. 
Mesmerizing with city lights and the noise, the music and the voices. The smell of the street food  and the steps of the horses.
Till now I still believe she deserved all I gave. Same way I got her in my heart, so she got a piece of me too. She took it with hunger and swallow it whole, with no hesitation.
Every time I take off from here I get this feeling of detachment. Same way coming back to her feels somehow like coming back home.
But i know. I never got one, never felt like 100% belonging to a place or a person, if not myself within my imagination.
But still this city seems to know me better than my mother.
I let her look inside of me countless times in exchange of feeling part of her as one. 
The deep sadness cried out, while in a taxi I saw pieces of her beautiful landscapes breaking fast from my window. 
The moments of joy walking breathing deep her taste and feeling invincible. My proud loneliness, that always made me feel strong. 
The amusement, for every sunset I could catch that made me (and still makes me) feel amazed, and so included in this whole thing we call universe, but still so small and insignificant for the rest. So unknown and not understandable for the most.
She got everything as everything is what I gave her. And she seems so untouched, as a mother who got so many children to take care of. She is watching us. And she knows it all, saw it all. Hundreds of times as an old soul dealing with young lives. If u focus, in the deepest nights, when few people are around, you might feel her smiling at you.
She knows what u got inside without a world said.cos u let her see into your abyss before, and she liked the view. She wont judge you. She will take you inside like a limbo, like a mamba would eat u alive. Slowly. And she wont let you go. You might leave one day, but that piece of you, no that piece, that sparkle you once had, will stay here with her, getting part of her big history, as a universal memory stored somewhere in her polluted sky, or deep down in her waters, (who knows) ... where no one can reach.

As a price you had to pay to stay.

As the fee u had to pay to enter her void.

Il disordine e' nella testa.

Dov'e' la Vittoria?

Domenica mattina.
Ho chattato meta' notte. l'altra' meta' lho spesa sognando elefanti.
Annuso la tua maglia per addormentarmi serena.
Mi sveglio alle 5 e 30, poi alle 7.30 e poi ancora alle 8, poi alle 10 e 30. ogni volta conto +3h e mezza ed in my head i paint a picture.
Resto nel letto a fissare il soffitto e a pensare i tuoi pensieri e le tue preoccupazioni.
Perche se parli con me ti senti un po meglio, quindi mi hai rovesciato addosso il tuo bicchiere di olio. e non va piu' via.

E il mare e' pieno pesci.
Sto al telefono con mamma, sembra tutto normale. dice che quest'anno morira' qualcuno, quindi attacco e decido di uscire, devo comprare un paio di cose.
Lista della spesa:
-test di gravidanza
-2 bottiglie di vino
 non e' mattina ma non ci interessa niente, vogliamo sapere. ora.
Test negativo.
Strano senso di inappartenenza, running out of time, sollievo, tristezza, magone, liberta'.
Posso ubriacarmi tranquilla?

Il numero 33.
Il numero 23.
e 1+1=3
Mangio un uovo mezzo crudo e aspetto.

Questa volta sarebbe stato diverso, lo sapevo anche io.
lo speravo?
Dov'e' la Vittoria?
Arrivera' mai?
L'hai mai voluta?
La avresti amata anche tu come la avrei amata io?

Some questions aint got no answer.
And so this is it.
Far away so close.

Distance and time.

U got ur life and i got mine.